The only New Year's resolution I care about keeping
Even though I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions, there is a change I’ve been trying to make for almost 10 years that I’ve never been able to fully stick to - recovery. I don’t think you have to wait for a new year or some big occasion to make a change, but that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. I never consider myself “sick enough” to actually try to recover. Having been in inpatient already, I never let myself think that I’m back at that point where I need that much help. But I do. And for whatever reason, in the last couple of days it’s become so clear to me how badly I need to make a change.
I was getting deep in my feels and looking back on the last year and throughout all the amazing adventures when I realized that literally all of them are tainted by my eating disorder. Because I’ve had anorexia for so long, I often don’t realize just how much it’s affecting my life, how much it’s keeping me from being the person I actually want to be. Even though the past year has been filled with so many amazing adventures and memories, I really couldn’t enjoy any of them fully because of my eating disorder.
Logically, I know how much my disorder limits me, how bad it is for me. I can’t just enjoy spontaneous nights out or adventures with friends. I turned down so many camping/hiking/snowboarding adventures in Whistler because it was outside of my insanely rigid schedule (what food would I be eating, what time would we be eating, what if I couldn’t workout, what if we just lounged around all day). I would hardly eat with other people and hated/usually refused to eat anything outside my “normal” routine. I forced myself to go to the gym when I felt like shit because I knew that the feeling of guilt would be even worse.
Beyond mental pain, there are physical limitations. I’m sick all the time, it takes me weeks to get over a simple cold. My hands and feet are always cold, my muscles are constantly cramping and sore. I get dizzy easily, feel brain fog all the time and can hardly focus on one thing at a time. I lose interest so easily in things that used to make me happy and am anxious over the smallest things. 95% of my time is spent thinking about food or exercise or weight - which is just a sad way to live. I can’t stay out past midnight really because I get so exhausted. I can’t go on hikes or big adventures with friends because one, I get scared of what we’re going to eat/when and two, my body literally can’t handle it.
All that is to say - as amazing as this last year has been, and all the years before it really, I didn’t realize just HOW much my eating disorder was affecting my life. Eating disorders limit you in so many ways, they cause you so much mental and physical pain and the sad thing is - you get to a point where that pain is normal, and you think this is just what life is like. So you don’t try to change because this is “just the way it is”. I thought I was okay for so long because I just got numb to the pain that comes with living with an eating disorder.
Going into this year, I want to take all these realizations I’ve had and make an actual change. Obviously, it’s easier said than done, recovery isn’t just someone saying “okay I’m ready to recover now!” (If it was, I wouldn’t be ranting right now.) But I had a realization that I’ve just been accepting this kind of life for almost the last decade, barely challenging the destructive patterns because I always convinced myself I wasn’t that sick or I wasn’t that bad. I don’t want to just go through life existing, as cheesy as it sounds, I want to be able to live and actually take in all the adventures and opportunities that come my way. I was thinking about all the things I want to do this year, travel, get a new job etc. And I literally can’t do any of them, or even enjoy any of them, if I keep up these eating disorders behaviours.
What if this year I didn’t just say, “I’ll change that later, but not today”, but I actually changed? It’s terrifying to think of living outside my eating disorder, but there have been moments in my recovery journey where I’ve experienced that freedom - and it’s amazing. My eating disorder gives me a false sense of security, it makes me think I’m okay and safe when I’m really just depressed, stuck in a routine, and keeping myself away from so many amazing experiences and friendships. I had a really scary realization that I could easily wake up in 10 years doing the exact same shit I’m doing now. Accepting that life has to be painful and hard just to keep my eating disorder happy and to avoid the guilt/pain that comes with facing your disorder.
This year, I don’t want to choose my eating disorder, I want to choose to live the life I actually want to. I know it’s going to be hard, and uncomfortable and probably means I’ll be deep in my feels many more times this year - but we’ve been here before and gotten out, and I can do it again.
To anyone recovering, you don’t deserve this life. This isn’t a normal life. You don’t have to accept the rules your eating disorder sets for you. You CAN challenge them. You CAN do all those things you are scared of. I’ve had glimpses of recovery before and it’s the most freeing thing in the world. Think about how amazing it would be to actually enjoy life, to have the physical and mental energy to put your all into something you want to do rather than putting it into behaviours that literally kill you.
Fuck eating disorders, in 2023 and every year moving forward you deserve better. Don’t let your eating disorder decide what your life is going to be like this year. Please reach out for help, I know eating disorder recovery isn’t just about deciding to recover and then being magically cured. But please remember that you are sick enough and that temporary guilt you’ll feel by breaking your eating disorder rules is only that - temporary. Surround yourself with people and resources that will help you get to the life you deserve because you deserve a year not dictated by your eating disorder’s rules, but one you actually want to be living.