I can't believe that I’ve been in Whistler for almost two years. Looking back at who I was when I first moved out here seems like the most cliche thing you can do but getting nostalgic is more entertaining than packing so here we are. When I came here, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I wanted to come out because I wanted a change. I saw myself living a different life here. One where I wasn’t scared of my eating disorder. One where I wasn’t as insecure as I had become. One where I wasn’t caught up in constant cycles of sadness and guilt. I saw Whistler as a place where that was possible, so without really thinking, I jumped in.

Moving to Whistler was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Did it magically solve all my problems? Absolutely not. I’ve had some of the highest highs and lowest lows here.
Starting over in Whistler gave me the chance to really step into the person I was too scared to be back home (it’s weird how a change of scenery can make you feel like you suddenly have permission to become whatever version of yourself you want).

When I first came here it felt like I was the person I was when I finished my eating disorder inpatient treatment back in 2015. That was probably the closest I’ve been to real recovery. I left inpatient that year feeling like I had gotten myself back, the eating disorder wasn’t making me this sad shell of a human that was too afraid to do anything. When I started living in Whistler, meeting friends and doing things outside my comfort zone, I started to get that feeling back. The feeling that I was actually being myself. And people actually seemed to like who I was. I have made some of the most amazing connections in my life here simply because I was being myself.

And at the same time, my eating disorder was and is always in the background. As much as I tried to pretend that I was over it, I couldn’t fully live in Whistler the way I wanted to. As much as I tried to deny it, the eating disorder was still controlling my life 90% of the time, the new scenery made it easier to push myself out of my comfort zone but also made it easy to pretend like I was doing okay. No one was here to call me out on disordered behavior, so I thought I was doing okay.

And as much as I say that I was living the life I wanted to live out here, that’s only partially true. My eating disorder has ALWAYS been there; telling me to eat less, drink less, socialize less, shrink more, exercise more etc. Half the time I was just battling the thoughts in my brain, which means I couldn’t fully embrace all the adventures, people and things that are here. I was too tired. It was easier, and still is easier, to follow that false sense of security that the eating disorder voice promises than to face the anxiety that comes with going against it.

And that’s why I know I have to leave Whistler. This place has made me the happiest I’ve ever been, but even with all that happiness, I can’t keep pretending I’m cured of my eating disorder. I’m not recovered, I was trying to pretend I was because I don’t have anyone calling me out on my disordered behaviours here. But the life I’m living now is not the one that I moved out here to live. I’m still stuck. My eating disorder and anxiety hold me back from actually being the person I want to be not only here, but in life in general. I can’t go on hikes without my parents worrying about if I’m exercising too much, I can’t make time to meet friends if it’s outside of my rigid schedule, I can’t go on road trips or camping trips without worrying about what I’m going to eat, I don’t feel confident or secure 90% of the time - purely because of the shit my eating disorder is telling me I’m doing wrong. Some days it feels like I’m completely unmotivated to do anything but please that eating disorder voice.

I’ve dealt with this disease for almost 10 years. I don’t want another 10 years to go by just for me to be ranting about the same shit. I don’t deserve to live like this anymore. Whistler has shown me that there are so many amazing reasons to recover, that life without an eating disorder isn’t just possible but WAY BETTER (shocker). And I’ve tried to recover here, but I can’t. I was avoiding saying that for so long because I hate the fact that I’ve almost spent a decade of my life fighting this bitch of an illness yet I still can’t break it. But I have to remember that this is an illness. This isn’t a choice. I don’t want to live like this. And as much as I tried to fight it on my own, I need to go home to get the support I need to finally beat it.

And even though I have been struggling, I can also say that I’ve become a more resilient, confident and happy person since being in Whistler. It’s weird how you can be so high functioning and look like you have it “together” but still be struggling so much. And that is something that I can’t ignore anymore. It’s not just something I “will just have to live with”, I want to go home and beat it so that whatever adventure I take on next - I’m fully in it.

You can’t run away from your problems. You can change scenery but you’re shit will always catch up with you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try to do new things or go out and have adventures. I’ve realized that I’m not in the place where I can have all the adventures I’m craving; and until I’m there, I’m accepting I need that support. It’s not weak. It would be way easier to stay here and pretend like I was fine. But I’ve been running from my shit for too long, and it’s still getting in the way of me doing the things I actually want to do. I have to have the self-respect to know I deserve better. I hate the idea of leaving my home here, but I’m excited to get back to my family and my friends at home. I know I’m a better person because I went to Whistler, and with the amazing support I have at home, I know I can recover so that I can go on all the adventures I actually want to go on in the future - no contingencies attached.

Saying goodbye (for now) to Whistler