When you’re deep in an eating disorder you block out literally everything so you don’t feel sad, but that means you also don’t feel those happy emotions . You pretty much just going through the motions everyday and it’s a very routine, mundane and frankly sad way to live.

And now I’m recovering, and letting myself eat and enjoying food and connecting with people again. And even though it’s amazing and I’ve dreamed of getting to this point for years, it’s a lot sometimes because I’m not used to feeling this much. And when I do get sad, (because, surprise, it’s normal to get sad) usually I would numb those uncomfortable feelings with restriction; but I don’t want to do that again. I know where it leads, and it’s back to a life of simply existing instead of actually living.

So you’re stuck in this place where you’re so thankful for how far you’ve come. I’m so happy I get to feel all these emotions start enjoying life again, but it can be overwhelming when you don’t know how to deal with those emotions. I don’t want to restrict or go back to my eating disorder, but it’s so tempting because that’s just what I’ve done for years. There’s comfort in an eating disorder which is why it’s so hard to recover from one.

But I just have to keep reminding myself that as comforting as an eating disorder is, that comfort is fleeting. You feel fine for a second until you need to restrict more, be better, get smaller. You never actually solve the problem or deal with the emotion, you just push it to the side.

So when you’re in recovery and start feeling everything again, please know that it’s okay. This is normal. I tried so hard for over a decade to numb myself to uncomfortable emotions and situations, but that just led me to miss out on 99 percent of life and all the good things that it has to offer.

I don’t want to keep taking the easy route and restrict just because it’s comfortable. I want to be able to feel all the happy and sad emotions that come with living. Just because they are overwhelming doesn’t mean that they are wrong, or that you are wrong. So yes, it feels really hard right now, and you’re not used to it. But you can and will get through it. You’ve pulled yourself out of darker places. Please know this is normal and that it’s a sign that you’re starting to feel again - which is amazing. We got this.

Emotions and recovery