Why it's a good thing to feel guilty during eating disorder recovery
One of the hardest parts of recovering isn’t just breaking your strict ED rules, but the fact that you have to do it consistently. Meal after meal. Day after day. Even when everything in your body is telling you not to.
It won’t feel natural. It will feel like you’re doing the worst possible thing you could be doing when you break your rules. And even after you do this extremely hard thing of going against what you think you need to do to stay “safe”, it’s not like you get any relief. You have to sit with the guilt and with all those shit emotions telling you that you just did something wrong.
And then? You have to do that again. Meal after meal. Day after day. Recovery is about continuing to break your rules even when you’re anxious.
It’s a constant battle between being proud of yourself, feeling disgusted that you did something “wrong”, and forcing yourself to keep going. It’s hard.
But the hardest part is remembering why you started. Because in those moments where you do feel so guilty and overwhelmed, it’s so easy to just think, “well what’s the point of this? I don’t feel like this when I listen to my ED rules so why should I even bother? What’s the point?”
I know that’s where my brain always goes when it gets hard. And that’s when I remind myself, that listening to the ED rules doesn’t actually mean you won’t be anxious. You’ll feel calm for a minute, then the rules just get tighter and tighter. Whenever you listen to the ED rules you’re reinforcing the idea in your head that this is the only way to safety. When it isn’t.
The ED rules may make you feel safe for a moment, but that’s only until a new one pops up. And trust me, they always pop up.
That temporary anxiety you’ll feel after you break an ED rule though? It will go away. You WILL feel better. Maybe not in an hour, maybe not in a day - but the more and more you break your rules the more you prove to yourself that you actually are safe when you don’t listen to the ED.
I’ve given up plenty of times, and just accepted the “easier” option of giving into my eating disorder. And here I am, eight years later, still freaking out about eating a piece of pizza after a night out with friends. There are so many more important things in life to focus on, but listening to my ED rules for so long just makes your flat. My world revolved around food, what I was going to eat when I was going to eat it, how much I was going to be moving that day, who I was going to see and what would they want to eat? Do I have to eat with them? That’s the shit you focus on.
So yes, going against your rules is hard. And it can feel extremely overwhelming. But that pain will go away. The other option, listening to the eating disorder, may feel better at the moment. But, the end result is loneliness and depression (super fun stuff right?). It’s not living, you’re just existing.
When it gets hard, know that there are thousands fighting their rules with you.
What’s more terrifying? Breaking your rules now or spending the rest of your life living by the eating disorders rules.
Whenever you feel like you’re losing control, you’re actually gaining it back. You’re taking back control of your life and deciding how you want to live it - not how the eating disorder wants you to live it. This isn’t me being all high and mighty saying I’ve gotten there, I’m working on remembering that saying every day. And I know it’s not as easy as just opening the window and yelling out to the world, *cue musical soundtrack and happy recovery montage* “I’m ready to recover! I’m ready for life!”
Recovery is hard. It sucks. But know that when you feel uncomfortable - when you feel completely out of control, and when you feel like you’re absolutely doing the wrong thing - you are winning. This is your reminder that this is what you have to do to recover.
Keep going and keep fighting. ❤️