After the night-out; the work
So you went out.
You overcame that voice in your head that kept telling you it would be “better” to stay in, to isolate, to stick to your comfortable routine. You ignored the excuses you would usually tell yourself; that you’ll push your comfort zone, but not tonight. That you would eventually challenge your rigid routine, but not tonight. That, maybe, people don’t even want to see you so you may as well not go anyways (which is, of course, not true because you're fantastic so enough with the humility).
You realized that another comfortable night in watching bad Netflix shows isn’t self-care but avoidance.
So you made it out...f*ck ya you did good for you! Maybe it went something like this.
The night may have questionably started with a combination of lime white claws and Baileys with coffee (I was judging myself too don't worry). You spent hours sitting playing drinking games, ignoring the voice that told you to not drink that cooler because of the calories in it. You had a late dinner of pizza with a delicious thick crust, you tried some of the vegan meatballs your friend made (don't judge until you try it I could have SLEPT in that crockpot mmm), had the chips and guac that everyone was eating. The food was spread out throughout the night, you didn’t just have your one plate with your perfectly portioned ratio of carbs, proteins, and fats.
Side note: why the fuck does my eating disorder feel “safer” when I measure my rice? That sounds like something a Karen would do.
You went with the flow, the embodiment of a ~ chill ~ party girl (please read that with all the sarcasm).
It was nothing close to what you usually do - and surprise, you felt so much happier. You got to enjoy the night instead of worrying constantly about what you were eating or drinking. You got to talk to your friends, not just pretend to while your eating disorder tells you all the ways you need to restrict and isolate to feel “safer”.
You think after that nice serotonin boost, your disorder would be a little quieter the next day, or that your anxiety would take a vacation.
I’m not saying I need a gold star or anything (maybe a couple of compliments for the ego boost but who said that), but really? Post-night out come-down, hangover anxiety - whatever you want to call it - is a real, bitch of a thing.
The real work starts when you wake up and feel like shit. When your anxiety comes in and starts reminding you about all the things that you did last night that you "should" be embarrassed about. And then the eating disorder decides to chime in reminding you how “out of control” you were with your food (even though you were doing the same thing as everyone else and just enjoying life). The bitch also feels it’s necessary to make you restrict all day, overexercise, cast a nice overshadowing of shame because you decided to enjoy living, eating, and doing what is fine for other people - but “not for you”.
The real work is fighting that voice. It’s looking around and seeing that everyone else is still eating breakfast, that everyone is fine with having a slow morning and relaxing. That people are still snacking on cookies and chips while they clean up despite having all that supposedly “shameful” stuff the night before, even though according to your ED’s logic, it’s way too early for anything that sugary, especially after you drank.
It’s making sure that you follow your meal plan regardless of how many drinks you had the night before or if you had “scary” foods. It’s realizing that you weren’t going out of control but actually taking control of your life and finally starting to live it.
So you made it out. And now you have to make it through the day and know that you did absolutely nothing wrong.
Would you tell your best friend not to eat all day? That they should feel guilty about everything she had the night before?
Well, unless you're the worst - then obviously not. So don’t be a bitch to yourself.
Realize that you are fighting a disorder that is always going to give you reasons to feel guilty. You’re never going to be good enough for this disorder, and who says that you have to be? You'll only become good enough for the disorder when your dead, which is morbid but the exact reason that anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
You are already good enough; not because of your eating disorder, but because you are you (yes that sounds like a Hallmark card, and yes it's true). You’re a badass fighting every single day to take back control of their life. You’re doing the work of waking up each day and going against all these thoughts in your brain that tells you that you need to do x, y and z to be safe. To be loved. To be okay.
You don’t. You know that you don’t but it doesn’t make fighting it any easier; that's because the disorder has wired your brain to make you believe that the thing you need to do if you want to recover (eat, rest, nourish yourself) is the thing that's harming you. When you take care of yourself, that voice will get loud and say you don't deserve this, or that you are doing something wrong. That's only anxiety. It's not real - you deserve to live.